Caregiving is an act of love, but it can quietly take over your life. Sometimes the hardest
lesson is realizing that taking care of yourself is part of taking care of the person you
love.
We recently spoke with Tom, whose wife moved to memory care two years ago. His
story is a reminder that life as a caregiver can be meaningful, loving, and personally
fulfilling even after difficult transitions.
Susan: Tom, tell us what a typical day looked like before your wife moved to memory
care.
Tom: It was exhausting. I woke early to help her get ready and didn’t sit down until late
at night. There was always something to do — meals, medications, laundry,
appointments. I stopped doing almost everything I enjoyed.
My morning walks, pickleball with friends, even reading were gone. Every day felt like I
was on call 24/7, and I barely recognized myself anymore. I remember sitting at the
kitchen table late at night with a cup of tea, feeling completely drained, and thinking,
“How did I get here?”
Jill: How did you feel emotionally, guilty, frustrated, afraid, and how did you deal with
that?
Tom: There were so many moments of guilt. I would get frustrated and then
immediately feel terrible for feeling that way. I was afraid of what might happen if I
missed something important.
Some days I just wanted a break, even for a few minutes, but I felt I couldn’t take it. I
started keeping a small journal and would jot down my thoughts and worries at night.
Later, I began sharing these feelings with a friend and our care coordinator. Simply
talking about it made the weight feel lighter.
Susan: Was there a turning point when you realized you needed more support?
Tom: Yes. It wasn’t one single moment, but a slow buildup. My sleep was terrible, and I
was constantly anxious. I noticed I was snapping at little things that never bothered me
before.
I realized I couldn’t sustain this pace without sacrificing both my health and our
relationship. That’s when I started exploring memory care options.
Jill: How did you come to the decision to move her?
Tom: I was terrified. I didn’t want her to feel abandoned. But visiting memory care
communities and talking with you showed me another way. She would have consistent
care, social interaction, and safety.
I could be present and joyful during visits instead of exhausted. Once she was settled, I
realized this choice didn’t mean I loved her any less. It allowed me to show up as my
best self.
Susan: How has your life changed since her move?
Tom: Everything shifted. I started practicing qigong in the quiet of my living room each
morning. I picked up pickleball with friends, and I began having lunch with my siblings
every week.
Visiting my wife several times a week became something I looked forward to. I feel
healthier, calmer, and more like myself, and that makes me a better husband to her.
Jill: Many caregivers feel guilty when they seek support. What would you tell others
who feel that way?
Tom: I would tell them that asking for help is not giving up. It doesn’t mean you love
your spouse any less. Taking care of yourself makes you a better caregiver.
When I let go of the idea that I had to do everything alone, I felt lighter, calmer, and
more patient. I could really enjoy my time with my wife instead of being exhausted all
the time. Support is a tool, not a replacement for love.
Tom’s story reminds us that caregiving does not mean losing yourself. Accepting help,
exploring support options, and prioritizing your own well-being allows love and joy to
coexist with caregiving responsibilities.
If you are feeling worn down or unsure about how to balance your own life with
caregiving, give our office a call. We can help you find caregiver support groups and
resources to make caregiving sustainable so you can continue to care for your loved
one without losing yourself in the process.
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