Parents planning their estates often consider how their legacy will impact their children. For some, however, the situation is more complex. Estrangement adds an emotional layer to the decision, making it difficult to determine if leaving an inheritance to estranged family members is the right choice. You might wonder about your options and how to proceed in your situation.
Many parents feel torn about leaving money or assets to children who have distanced themselves. For some, leaving an inheritance feels like love, even if the relationship is strained. However, for others, it may seem like rewarding hurtful behavior or reinforcing a relationship filled with emotional pain.
Parents often reflect on the values they want to pass down. If an estranged child has rejected those values or made it clear they want nothing to do with the family, leaving them an inheritance might not bring the peace of mind you're hoping for. It could cause more harm than good.
Some people believe money can be toxic, especially from a source tied to negative emotions. If your estranged child views their inheritance as something tainted by conflict, it could lead to feelings of resentment or even worsen the rift between you. Instead of seeing the gift as an act of kindness, they may interpret it as one last attempt to control or influence them.
One parent mentioned in an article on rejectedparents.com shared a unique perspective. She and her spouse chose to spend their savings enjoying life, traveling in an RV and embracing a concept they called SKI – Spending Kids’ Inheritance. This playful approach helped them focus on their happiness instead of worrying about how their estranged children would receive their money.
Beyond money, many parents have cherished possessions they once imagined passing down. Perhaps you have antiques, family photos, or unique heirlooms you hoped your children would treasure. However, in cases of estrangement, these items may hold little or no value for your children.
Some parents choose to clear out their homes of unnecessary clutter, donating or selling items that no longer serve them. In doing so, they can free themselves from worrying about what will happen to their belongings after they pass. It can also be a way to ensure that these possessions go to someone who will genuinely appreciate them rather than leaving them to a child who may only see them as junk.
If you have more than one child, deciding how to distribute your estate can become even more complicated. Is it fair to leave equal amounts to all children, even if one of them has rejected you? Or should you give more to the child who has remained close?
There is no right or wrong answer. However, many parents take their estranged children's children into account when planning their estate. Some may leave a smaller inheritance to the estranged child or place conditions on the gift, such as requiring them to meet specific terms to receive it. Others may decide to leave nothing at all, believing that doing so is in the best interest of everyone involved. Others may leave an inheritance to the children of their estranged child.
If you are unskilled in handling your estate when estrangement is involved, an estate planning attorney can help. They can walk you through your options, including setting up a trust, making conditional gifts, and writing a Will that reflects your wishes.
This is an emotional decision; you must feel confident you're making the best choice for yourself and your family. Talking with a professional can clarify and ensure that your estate plan is legally sound.
Leaving an inheritance is never easy and significantly more so when estrangement complicates the situation. If you're struggling with these decisions, an estate planning attorney can help you explore your options and make informed choices. Contact us today to request a consultation and create a plan that works for you and your family.
Reference: Rejected Parents (Oct. 5, 2021) “Will You Leave a ‘Toxic’ Inheritance?”
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